Things That Changed Because I Was Raped
- I got used to begging often
- I learned to block out what happens to me
- Or I tried to anyway
- I figured out how to go from feeling nothing to fake laughing and being able to pretend I feel human within seconds
- I discovered promises mean nothing
- And the more times the same one is made the less likely it is to mean something
- I found out my rapist didn't care if I gave no response at all
- (Even though he tried to call what was happening sex, which implies enjoyment for both)
- And ignored it if I responded with "Stop"
- Or pushed more if I said "wait" (Apparently "wait" actually means "convince me")
- I realized that "Stop" only resulted in being told to "Calm down" or to "Trust me", because, of course, you should trust the guy who's refusing to stop when you ask.
- I memorized walls
The memorizing walls was the worst for me. I tried to focus on the details of walls around me, so that what was happening to me was only motion and I didn't have to realize what was going on. Seeing as regularly as this happened, I got to know my usual walls very well. I tried to convince myself that if I was looking at the same wall all the time I wouldn't have to know the difference between the times that it happened. I blended them all into one memory. But I know that it happened more than once. Because sometimes the things in my line of sight would change, and I was all too aware of the difference. And knowing that something had changed meant knowing this was a different day and this happened more than once. I've blocked out too much of it to be sure, but it seems to have happened near daily at times. At very least weekly for awhile.
As I said, I ramble. But this is shorter than most.
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